Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Untouchable
Taken from a journal, written today at 10:30pm-10:45pm
There is a certain type of friendship, that depending on genders, can be confused for anything the imagination allows. This type of friendship is untouchable, like reaching out from Earth and expecting to grasp Pluto. There are many things people don't understand about this type of friendship. And people can confuse things and see more than it really is. This is a type of friendship where you really give without expecting in return, to the point where you would allow yourself to be walked all over, because you know it would never happen. You know things most other friends don't, although you're comfortable knowing that there are things other know that you don't. It's friendship that, depending on gender, is a step away from breaking the rules and stepping over the boundary, but will never happen. Its a friendship that you touch with the delicateness you use for family, the eagerness of a lover, and the uncertainty of a monk. Its a unique thing that most aren't privileged to feel. Its truly sincere. Its humble. Its truly untouchable, locked in a bubble made of gold that can be stretched as thin as air, but can never be broken.
There is a certain type of friendship, that depending on genders, can be confused for anything the imagination allows. This type of friendship is untouchable, like reaching out from Earth and expecting to grasp Pluto. There are many things people don't understand about this type of friendship. And people can confuse things and see more than it really is. This is a type of friendship where you really give without expecting in return, to the point where you would allow yourself to be walked all over, because you know it would never happen. You know things most other friends don't, although you're comfortable knowing that there are things other know that you don't. It's friendship that, depending on gender, is a step away from breaking the rules and stepping over the boundary, but will never happen. Its a friendship that you touch with the delicateness you use for family, the eagerness of a lover, and the uncertainty of a monk. Its a unique thing that most aren't privileged to feel. Its truly sincere. Its humble. Its truly untouchable, locked in a bubble made of gold that can be stretched as thin as air, but can never be broken.
After our death
Taken from a journal written in fall/winter 2009.
As time passes, after out death, the sorrow that it drags behind, will grow thin as the spreading of butter over too much bread. Until eventually, the crust is dry and only the scent remains in the air.
As time passes, after out death, the sorrow that it drags behind, will grow thin as the spreading of butter over too much bread. Until eventually, the crust is dry and only the scent remains in the air.
Brace yourself, for the world knows how to betray.
Taken from a journal, written December 24, 2009 @ 4:25pm
The world knows how to betray. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know how to brace myself. So I drowned among the experienced and the selfish. The air was like needles, the water like acid. All was deadly, all was dangerous. So I had no choice but to hold my breath and hope to survive without the use of my lungs or gills. "Let me live without poison," I begged. And after my lungs were punctured, and my skin burned to the bone, I gained the knowledge which taught me how to survive by the own muscle in my arms and the brain in my head.
The world knows how to betray. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know how to brace myself. So I drowned among the experienced and the selfish. The air was like needles, the water like acid. All was deadly, all was dangerous. So I had no choice but to hold my breath and hope to survive without the use of my lungs or gills. "Let me live without poison," I begged. And after my lungs were punctured, and my skin burned to the bone, I gained the knowledge which taught me how to survive by the own muscle in my arms and the brain in my head.
Like a faded childhood memory
Taken from a journal on 10-16-09,
There are times when I wonder if you think about me still, or if I'm like a faded childhood memory or a detail in a book that is overlooked. So I wonder from time to time if it ever existed; if you're real; if anything really happened. Or if they were delusions. Am I insane?
What happened to the promises made? What happened to the planned future filled with uncertainties? Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? The rest of me has cooled, yet my blood still thaws the heart that pumps warm blood. Help me to survive. Help me reach until tomorrow. Help me understand why I walk, looking backwards. Help me, though you don't hear me.
-10:24pm
There are times when I wonder if you think about me still, or if I'm like a faded childhood memory or a detail in a book that is overlooked. So I wonder from time to time if it ever existed; if you're real; if anything really happened. Or if they were delusions. Am I insane?
What happened to the promises made? What happened to the planned future filled with uncertainties? Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? The rest of me has cooled, yet my blood still thaws the heart that pumps warm blood. Help me to survive. Help me reach until tomorrow. Help me understand why I walk, looking backwards. Help me, though you don't hear me.
-10:24pm
A note on betrayal
Posted October 7, 2009 on my MySpace blog.
Of all the textbook definitions of "betrayal," I am hesitant to agree with any. There are, however key words that I can agree with in all the definitions I've read:
Expose, enemy, treachery, disloyalty, unfaithful, disappoint, reveal, violation, deceive, misguide, corrupt, seduce.
I love the word seduce, because it implies an innocent victim. Innocence. We don't want to think of ourselves as such and go the opposite way after we have been betrayed. And when we decline to accept it, that is why we are angry. Innocence.
I also love "seduce" because betrayal is something forseen by our betrayer although it might be only 5 minutes before they betray us, but they knew what was going to happen before we did. And that is painful to accept is it not? Therefore, I say we were seduced. They had the upper hand.
Said seducer/betrayer is no traitor, for they were never our ally to begin with. Again, the only definition I could agree with (that includes the word "seduce") is: "to seduce and desert." Because betrayal goes beyond a simple "hurt;" It is a destruction of the soul, but more importantly, a destruction of our faith and trust, which are two sacred things held by human kind. And in the end we are thrown back these sacred things and are left for dead. Deserted.
Regardless, I still believe betrayal has no true definition because it is that putrid that the mere knowledge of its true definition is capable of burning your mind if you think it, or your mouth if you say it. It is unspeakable. Just ask those of us who have been betrayed, and they will pause for a second and their face and hands will move as if the definition wants to come out, and they are going to speak, but it doesn't come out, and they don't speak. They don't define it, not because they can't but because their unconscious prohibits them from doing so.
Betrayal means "traición" in Spanish. And if you think about it, that word sounds horribly, terribly, and painfully powerful in any language. Not because how each language has conveyed the word into vowels and consonants, but because of the chord that the meaning strikes on human emotions.
Betrayal plants the seed of mistrust, which will never be uprooted, I don't care what you say. I have spoken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading beyond this point is an option, not obligatory. Yes, I said obligatory.
Word of advice (if you want it):
You carry other peoples nasty souls when you hold grudges. Hate is a natural process in all betrayals. However, after the fires burn out and the ashes cool your mind will slowly crawl back to the wisdom and philosophies you have no idea you have learned.
Forgiveness is the only way to forget. Can I emphasize, "only?"And forgetting is the only way you obtain mental peace. Peace is the ultimate goal. Be selfish about it. Not selfish about your actions, just selfish in recovery. And upon that you will understand what those ahead of you see and feel, and those behind you have yet to comprehend.
But don't be frustrated and angry they cannot see what you see in the future (note to someone). Its a process that they must go through. You cannot take a leap to your goal. No snake skips the incubation state to maturity. Walk slowly, no matter how many spikes you step on, how excruciating the hot coals are, or how pinching the thorns.
When you get there, you will be greeted by those on the other side of the wisdom-line and you will wait with them... for the rest.
And even when its all over, and you are at peace, and you firmly believe you've hated your enemies for the last time, I fear that a little residue will remain forever in your heart. Because the love you bestow in a relationship with another human being that has betrayed you, will scar you just a bit.
Last note:
Isn't it funny how despite the fact we have all been betrayed in some way, we (in some other) betrayed someone else. So how are we any better?
Of all the textbook definitions of "betrayal," I am hesitant to agree with any. There are, however key words that I can agree with in all the definitions I've read:
Expose, enemy, treachery, disloyalty, unfaithful, disappoint, reveal, violation, deceive, misguide, corrupt, seduce.
I love the word seduce, because it implies an innocent victim. Innocence. We don't want to think of ourselves as such and go the opposite way after we have been betrayed. And when we decline to accept it, that is why we are angry. Innocence.
I also love "seduce" because betrayal is something forseen by our betrayer although it might be only 5 minutes before they betray us, but they knew what was going to happen before we did. And that is painful to accept is it not? Therefore, I say we were seduced. They had the upper hand.
Said seducer/betrayer is no traitor, for they were never our ally to begin with. Again, the only definition I could agree with (that includes the word "seduce") is: "to seduce and desert." Because betrayal goes beyond a simple "hurt;" It is a destruction of the soul, but more importantly, a destruction of our faith and trust, which are two sacred things held by human kind. And in the end we are thrown back these sacred things and are left for dead. Deserted.
Regardless, I still believe betrayal has no true definition because it is that putrid that the mere knowledge of its true definition is capable of burning your mind if you think it, or your mouth if you say it. It is unspeakable. Just ask those of us who have been betrayed, and they will pause for a second and their face and hands will move as if the definition wants to come out, and they are going to speak, but it doesn't come out, and they don't speak. They don't define it, not because they can't but because their unconscious prohibits them from doing so.
Betrayal means "traición" in Spanish. And if you think about it, that word sounds horribly, terribly, and painfully powerful in any language. Not because how each language has conveyed the word into vowels and consonants, but because of the chord that the meaning strikes on human emotions.
Betrayal plants the seed of mistrust, which will never be uprooted, I don't care what you say. I have spoken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading beyond this point is an option, not obligatory. Yes, I said obligatory.
Word of advice (if you want it):
You carry other peoples nasty souls when you hold grudges. Hate is a natural process in all betrayals. However, after the fires burn out and the ashes cool your mind will slowly crawl back to the wisdom and philosophies you have no idea you have learned.
Forgiveness is the only way to forget. Can I emphasize, "only?"And forgetting is the only way you obtain mental peace. Peace is the ultimate goal. Be selfish about it. Not selfish about your actions, just selfish in recovery. And upon that you will understand what those ahead of you see and feel, and those behind you have yet to comprehend.
But don't be frustrated and angry they cannot see what you see in the future (note to someone). Its a process that they must go through. You cannot take a leap to your goal. No snake skips the incubation state to maturity. Walk slowly, no matter how many spikes you step on, how excruciating the hot coals are, or how pinching the thorns.
When you get there, you will be greeted by those on the other side of the wisdom-line and you will wait with them... for the rest.
And even when its all over, and you are at peace, and you firmly believe you've hated your enemies for the last time, I fear that a little residue will remain forever in your heart. Because the love you bestow in a relationship with another human being that has betrayed you, will scar you just a bit.
Last note:
Isn't it funny how despite the fact we have all been betrayed in some way, we (in some other) betrayed someone else. So how are we any better?
© Roxanne Z. M.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
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