Taken from a journal, written December 24, 2009 @ 4:25pm
The world knows how to betray. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know how to brace myself. So I drowned among the experienced and the selfish. The air was like needles, the water like acid. All was deadly, all was dangerous. So I had no choice but to hold my breath and hope to survive without the use of my lungs or gills. "Let me live without poison," I begged. And after my lungs were punctured, and my skin burned to the bone, I gained the knowledge which taught me how to survive by the own muscle in my arms and the brain in my head.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Like a faded childhood memory
Taken from a journal on 10-16-09,
There are times when I wonder if you think about me still, or if I'm like a faded childhood memory or a detail in a book that is overlooked. So I wonder from time to time if it ever existed; if you're real; if anything really happened. Or if they were delusions. Am I insane?
What happened to the promises made? What happened to the planned future filled with uncertainties? Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? The rest of me has cooled, yet my blood still thaws the heart that pumps warm blood. Help me to survive. Help me reach until tomorrow. Help me understand why I walk, looking backwards. Help me, though you don't hear me.
-10:24pm
There are times when I wonder if you think about me still, or if I'm like a faded childhood memory or a detail in a book that is overlooked. So I wonder from time to time if it ever existed; if you're real; if anything really happened. Or if they were delusions. Am I insane?
What happened to the promises made? What happened to the planned future filled with uncertainties? Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? The rest of me has cooled, yet my blood still thaws the heart that pumps warm blood. Help me to survive. Help me reach until tomorrow. Help me understand why I walk, looking backwards. Help me, though you don't hear me.
-10:24pm
A note on betrayal
Posted October 7, 2009 on my MySpace blog.
Of all the textbook definitions of "betrayal," I am hesitant to agree with any. There are, however key words that I can agree with in all the definitions I've read:
Expose, enemy, treachery, disloyalty, unfaithful, disappoint, reveal, violation, deceive, misguide, corrupt, seduce.
I love the word seduce, because it implies an innocent victim. Innocence. We don't want to think of ourselves as such and go the opposite way after we have been betrayed. And when we decline to accept it, that is why we are angry. Innocence.
I also love "seduce" because betrayal is something forseen by our betrayer although it might be only 5 minutes before they betray us, but they knew what was going to happen before we did. And that is painful to accept is it not? Therefore, I say we were seduced. They had the upper hand.
Said seducer/betrayer is no traitor, for they were never our ally to begin with. Again, the only definition I could agree with (that includes the word "seduce") is: "to seduce and desert." Because betrayal goes beyond a simple "hurt;" It is a destruction of the soul, but more importantly, a destruction of our faith and trust, which are two sacred things held by human kind. And in the end we are thrown back these sacred things and are left for dead. Deserted.
Regardless, I still believe betrayal has no true definition because it is that putrid that the mere knowledge of its true definition is capable of burning your mind if you think it, or your mouth if you say it. It is unspeakable. Just ask those of us who have been betrayed, and they will pause for a second and their face and hands will move as if the definition wants to come out, and they are going to speak, but it doesn't come out, and they don't speak. They don't define it, not because they can't but because their unconscious prohibits them from doing so.
Betrayal means "traición" in Spanish. And if you think about it, that word sounds horribly, terribly, and painfully powerful in any language. Not because how each language has conveyed the word into vowels and consonants, but because of the chord that the meaning strikes on human emotions.
Betrayal plants the seed of mistrust, which will never be uprooted, I don't care what you say. I have spoken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading beyond this point is an option, not obligatory. Yes, I said obligatory.
Word of advice (if you want it):
You carry other peoples nasty souls when you hold grudges. Hate is a natural process in all betrayals. However, after the fires burn out and the ashes cool your mind will slowly crawl back to the wisdom and philosophies you have no idea you have learned.
Forgiveness is the only way to forget. Can I emphasize, "only?"And forgetting is the only way you obtain mental peace. Peace is the ultimate goal. Be selfish about it. Not selfish about your actions, just selfish in recovery. And upon that you will understand what those ahead of you see and feel, and those behind you have yet to comprehend.
But don't be frustrated and angry they cannot see what you see in the future (note to someone). Its a process that they must go through. You cannot take a leap to your goal. No snake skips the incubation state to maturity. Walk slowly, no matter how many spikes you step on, how excruciating the hot coals are, or how pinching the thorns.
When you get there, you will be greeted by those on the other side of the wisdom-line and you will wait with them... for the rest.
And even when its all over, and you are at peace, and you firmly believe you've hated your enemies for the last time, I fear that a little residue will remain forever in your heart. Because the love you bestow in a relationship with another human being that has betrayed you, will scar you just a bit.
Last note:
Isn't it funny how despite the fact we have all been betrayed in some way, we (in some other) betrayed someone else. So how are we any better?
Of all the textbook definitions of "betrayal," I am hesitant to agree with any. There are, however key words that I can agree with in all the definitions I've read:
Expose, enemy, treachery, disloyalty, unfaithful, disappoint, reveal, violation, deceive, misguide, corrupt, seduce.
I love the word seduce, because it implies an innocent victim. Innocence. We don't want to think of ourselves as such and go the opposite way after we have been betrayed. And when we decline to accept it, that is why we are angry. Innocence.
I also love "seduce" because betrayal is something forseen by our betrayer although it might be only 5 minutes before they betray us, but they knew what was going to happen before we did. And that is painful to accept is it not? Therefore, I say we were seduced. They had the upper hand.
Said seducer/betrayer is no traitor, for they were never our ally to begin with. Again, the only definition I could agree with (that includes the word "seduce") is: "to seduce and desert." Because betrayal goes beyond a simple "hurt;" It is a destruction of the soul, but more importantly, a destruction of our faith and trust, which are two sacred things held by human kind. And in the end we are thrown back these sacred things and are left for dead. Deserted.
Regardless, I still believe betrayal has no true definition because it is that putrid that the mere knowledge of its true definition is capable of burning your mind if you think it, or your mouth if you say it. It is unspeakable. Just ask those of us who have been betrayed, and they will pause for a second and their face and hands will move as if the definition wants to come out, and they are going to speak, but it doesn't come out, and they don't speak. They don't define it, not because they can't but because their unconscious prohibits them from doing so.
Betrayal means "traición" in Spanish. And if you think about it, that word sounds horribly, terribly, and painfully powerful in any language. Not because how each language has conveyed the word into vowels and consonants, but because of the chord that the meaning strikes on human emotions.
Betrayal plants the seed of mistrust, which will never be uprooted, I don't care what you say. I have spoken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading beyond this point is an option, not obligatory. Yes, I said obligatory.
Word of advice (if you want it):
You carry other peoples nasty souls when you hold grudges. Hate is a natural process in all betrayals. However, after the fires burn out and the ashes cool your mind will slowly crawl back to the wisdom and philosophies you have no idea you have learned.
Forgiveness is the only way to forget. Can I emphasize, "only?"And forgetting is the only way you obtain mental peace. Peace is the ultimate goal. Be selfish about it. Not selfish about your actions, just selfish in recovery. And upon that you will understand what those ahead of you see and feel, and those behind you have yet to comprehend.
But don't be frustrated and angry they cannot see what you see in the future (note to someone). Its a process that they must go through. You cannot take a leap to your goal. No snake skips the incubation state to maturity. Walk slowly, no matter how many spikes you step on, how excruciating the hot coals are, or how pinching the thorns.
When you get there, you will be greeted by those on the other side of the wisdom-line and you will wait with them... for the rest.
And even when its all over, and you are at peace, and you firmly believe you've hated your enemies for the last time, I fear that a little residue will remain forever in your heart. Because the love you bestow in a relationship with another human being that has betrayed you, will scar you just a bit.
Last note:
Isn't it funny how despite the fact we have all been betrayed in some way, we (in some other) betrayed someone else. So how are we any better?
© Roxanne Z. M.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The question on how to force yourself to regret.
Written today at 12:50pm Taken from a journal.
How do you force yourself to regret? And I mean, as a necessary action after having assumed so much and harbored acidic feelings, realizing that you have to un-feel them. And its the saddest moment of your life when you realize you can't.
How do you cool down hate? How do you turn it down and make it softer, lighter? How do you dilute it and make it clearer?
How do you brighten up sadness? How do you make it happier?
How do you let things go? How do you throw them far away? How do you run from it?
How do you erase betrayal? How do you make nice?
And how do you undo whats done, without having to break it?
How do you?
How do you force yourself to regret? And I mean, as a necessary action after having assumed so much and harbored acidic feelings, realizing that you have to un-feel them. And its the saddest moment of your life when you realize you can't.
How do you cool down hate? How do you turn it down and make it softer, lighter? How do you dilute it and make it clearer?
How do you brighten up sadness? How do you make it happier?
How do you let things go? How do you throw them far away? How do you run from it?
How do you erase betrayal? How do you make nice?
And how do you undo whats done, without having to break it?
How do you?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
On shock
Taken from a journal, written 3-5-10 at 4:59pm-5:14pm
Thinking, but not really thinking about anything. Stare is unmovable, and the smile is in shock. Somehow still, as if not moving will make things change for the better; in a conscious coma. The mind knows, but the body does not. Losing all desire, after someone touches one of the chords in your heart. And now, sound reverberated throughout your case of a body. And your blood aches from flowing through your body that is barely alive. Your eyes well up, un-bursting, like holding the oceans in the fleshy skin of a pea. Your throat knots up, with the complexity of a "monkey's fist." You have screams that get stuck there.
And all because of shock; an agonizingly uncomfortable and bone-rustling shock. And suddenly, you're lost. You let go of the steering wheel, despite going 86 miles per hour. And for a second you feel free, until the following second, which is panic, and then closely accompanied by fear.
Energy is drained from your movement through a storm drain with no recovery. All this, at a time when music seems to be going at the rhythm of your heartbeat, or whats left of it.
At a time when you want to carve certain things out of your mind like a bruise on a bad apple. And you want to be left with just the seeds and stem.
Because honestly, the less you have, the less you have to deal with.
All this at a time when every word spoken sounds like singing to a very morbidly sad song. All this at a time of shock, when you learn to tune your emotions to deeply feel the world through it. And you wish nerves were like coated electrical wires so that you could know which one to snip, in order to stop that bomb that's ticking.
Thinking, but not really thinking about anything. Stare is unmovable, and the smile is in shock. Somehow still, as if not moving will make things change for the better; in a conscious coma. The mind knows, but the body does not. Losing all desire, after someone touches one of the chords in your heart. And now, sound reverberated throughout your case of a body. And your blood aches from flowing through your body that is barely alive. Your eyes well up, un-bursting, like holding the oceans in the fleshy skin of a pea. Your throat knots up, with the complexity of a "monkey's fist." You have screams that get stuck there.
And all because of shock; an agonizingly uncomfortable and bone-rustling shock. And suddenly, you're lost. You let go of the steering wheel, despite going 86 miles per hour. And for a second you feel free, until the following second, which is panic, and then closely accompanied by fear.
Energy is drained from your movement through a storm drain with no recovery. All this, at a time when music seems to be going at the rhythm of your heartbeat, or whats left of it.
At a time when you want to carve certain things out of your mind like a bruise on a bad apple. And you want to be left with just the seeds and stem.
Because honestly, the less you have, the less you have to deal with.
All this at a time when every word spoken sounds like singing to a very morbidly sad song. All this at a time of shock, when you learn to tune your emotions to deeply feel the world through it. And you wish nerves were like coated electrical wires so that you could know which one to snip, in order to stop that bomb that's ticking.
Burying the past.
Just when I thought it was long buried... it propped up like an old stone. Now I have to find a shovel, a good spot, and attempt to rebury it. Here we go again...
...But who are we kidding. nothing ever really gets buried... it just lies on the floor with a little dirt thrown over it
...But who are we kidding. nothing ever really gets buried... it just lies on the floor with a little dirt thrown over it
Monday, March 1, 2010
On losing the living.
Written today from 9:15pm-9:30pm, taken from a journal.
Losing is losing, for the most part. But losing a significant piece to your everyday life, is a dull and dry hit upon your ribcage, which shakes the heart about like an earthquake. It feels like having the air sucked out of you, and losing your soul in the process. There's a difference between losing the dead (people who die), and losing the living (never seeing someone again). At least by losing the dead you can reach them, and tell them exactly what you want. But when you lose the living, there's a grand impotence. You can't reach them. They can lose themselves away from you, and there will never be a grave you can cry on. Their graves are only in our imagination. Our tears will be cried deep within us, somewhere near the soul. But there will never be closure for the hole they leave us with, that leaves us looking like swiss cheese.
Impotence and sorrow. That's all they leave behind. And why do they leave? Because their lives, their goals, their dreams, and their plans do not include us? They're quick to leave us behind, weeping and screaming out to them.
Do we mean so little to them? Were our footsteps in their lives that light, that we left none? Did our stains not soak enough? Did our love not love enough? Was our presence not felt enough? Where did we go wrong? Was a wrong turn made somewhere that friendship was meant to be lightly taken? I don't know a lot, as I have no graves to cry on. I weep to the wind, in hopes that it will reach them, somehow, somewhere, wherever they are.
We're left, united by a moon and the air that is shared with the rest of the world. And that is no comfort for me, since those are the same things that unite them to everyone else. So I, painfully, come to consider he fact that I guess I am also, "everyone else."
Losing is losing, for the most part. But losing a significant piece to your everyday life, is a dull and dry hit upon your ribcage, which shakes the heart about like an earthquake. It feels like having the air sucked out of you, and losing your soul in the process. There's a difference between losing the dead (people who die), and losing the living (never seeing someone again). At least by losing the dead you can reach them, and tell them exactly what you want. But when you lose the living, there's a grand impotence. You can't reach them. They can lose themselves away from you, and there will never be a grave you can cry on. Their graves are only in our imagination. Our tears will be cried deep within us, somewhere near the soul. But there will never be closure for the hole they leave us with, that leaves us looking like swiss cheese.
Impotence and sorrow. That's all they leave behind. And why do they leave? Because their lives, their goals, their dreams, and their plans do not include us? They're quick to leave us behind, weeping and screaming out to them.
Do we mean so little to them? Were our footsteps in their lives that light, that we left none? Did our stains not soak enough? Did our love not love enough? Was our presence not felt enough? Where did we go wrong? Was a wrong turn made somewhere that friendship was meant to be lightly taken? I don't know a lot, as I have no graves to cry on. I weep to the wind, in hopes that it will reach them, somehow, somewhere, wherever they are.
We're left, united by a moon and the air that is shared with the rest of the world. And that is no comfort for me, since those are the same things that unite them to everyone else. So I, painfully, come to consider he fact that I guess I am also, "everyone else."
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